Inspiration

I had the privilege to attend NUS Wind Symphony’s concert tonight…as a spectator. Tho i am one of the performers with the wind symphony, due to certain reasons, i coudn’t be with them physically performing though spiritually and morally i supported them. And a splendid performance it was! Am very proud of all of them…

However, during the performance, a sense of nostalgia swept over me. Honestly, during the performance, memories of my days in the ACS band came pouring back to me….the good old days… some of the greatest time we had. How i really wish i could be back in secondary school, with all my fellow band members. To all who knew me, you would know that the band was a big part of my life…taking up 30% of my daily time for 7 years and still counting. Life then was either school or band..or sleep there wasn’t anything esle. For those who din’t know me…now you know.

I missed the days we played together. Although the music we performed was not in tuned and definitely far from perfect, we played it through the joy of our hearts. I still remember one particular practice…a saturday in the school canteen..the conductor was Yoke Li. And somehow that day, we played Abba Gold and it soudned so perfect. I was totally surprised…it sounded like a pro band honestly, very in tune and very balanced. I called Yoke Li up after the practice and we both agreed that’s the best of Abba we’ve ever heard. I missed the time, when we had free time and hanging out in the band room, one person would be practising..and suddenly we had an ensemble playing..it normally starts with a clarinet…then a trombone will join, a trumpet, percussion later…and pretty soon, the clerks from the office will be scolding us for causing such a racket. I miss the cold drinks during funeral :p oddly so…haha or the crap we used to talk although it waws quite sombre then. I miss collecting ang pao during funerals (especially when u’re low in cash and suddenly there were 3 funerals tat week).

I still remember the camps we used to have, the passing of the flame…the tarik tali after that the next day. I missed marching under the sun for hours (and surprisingly no sunburn). I miss doing degree turning…and having some $#@!@ new junior bang into you cause he doesn’t know what degree turning is. Haha i miss being evil and giving extremely hard sequence of degree turning(pray hard that u dun get me as an examiner)

I miss seeing the band bond together, from a bunch of rag tag people….when the challenge came, everyone rose to the occasion. Everyone was dead serious 2 weeks before the competition working their asses off….never had i worked with finer people (of course the rest of the time all band members were absolute devils).Haha i still remember being surprised…at how a junior which i had given up on, suddenly became the best trumpeter around …

I miss ’shaking’ up the staidum whenever we performed at TLDM…i miss marching…i miss marching with friends. I miss all the crappy stuff we used to do…like sing late into the night. I miss challenging my fellow drum majors into high throws of the mace…and breaking 3 maces in the process….    heck i even miss the silly dance we did with latin gold…definitely miss the perverted and horny hornist and the sick stuff they used to do (never approve of it…still don’t approve of it—imagine them sucking their mouth pieces)

i miss hanging out in the bandroom…long after band practice is over….until the jaga had to come chase us away. but most importantly, i miss all the members of the band. And i miss the whole band experience.

It’s not about the medals, it’s not about the trophies, it’s not about the competition.

It’s about the sweat, it’s about the tears, it’s about the experience (very few knew that i almost cried when we got 3rd in 2001..i felt very disappointed for having disappointed my fellow members who i knew worked very hard…we deserved better but only if i were more skilful with the mace)

Do you miss them too?

You see, the fact is, the band is not a living thing. It is alive only becuase of the people that form the band. Every band member’s experience is unique…which makes up the overall band experience. You do not need to depend on the leaders to create that experience for you. How your band experience turn out, is totally up to you.

I have no idea what is the condition of the band now, but i certainly hope that everything is going in the right direction. Because i certainly miss you guys and playing with you guys…

Well but what can i say, everyone has to go on in life. Now i can only make full use of what i’m given now and appreciate it more..lest i look back in regret again.

Music is only beautiful…becuase of the people you play it with.

One Band, One sound!

regards
Kelvin da Kachuak DM
DM 2000/2001 Conductor 2000-2003 CDM 2003
but most importantly
Band Member 1997 - infinity

this is someting i wrote in 2004…..november 2004 to be exact….i think at times we all feel like this don’t we?

the letter that wouldn’t come.

Day by day i waited
for the letter that wouldn’t come
I waited by the little mailbox
beside my garden’s lawn

Oh, how i would rush out
with such joy and glee
when i heard the sounds of the postman
making his daily round

i’d say hello and gave a little wave
to the man in the smart uniform
and he’d flashed me a smile for a while
as he passed me letters for my mom

eagerly i grabbed them
with my greasy palm
thanking the postman as i did this
for his daily round.

bills , bills and nothing but bills
and a letter from out of town
disappointed, devastated as i looked at them
and handed them over to my mom

and yet tomorrow would be another day,
and by the mailbox i would wait
for the postman on his daily round
and for the letter that wouldn’t come.

A friend’s blog entry made me recall this poem that i wrote about a year ago….well warning to ppl who dun like sad stuff..this one i kinda depressing and morbid (2 words that describe me aptly).

Anyway..i’ve already got my funeral figured out…haha…if i die…i wanna be cremated..and my ashes mixed with fireworks….i want 1 minute of fireworks to symbolise every year of my life..and since i like water so much…i would like the fireworks to be blown over the sea…hmm and i would like all of you to be there..to enjoy the view…and to cherish the good times that we’ve had.

If tomorrow i should die,
Please i plead you do not cry,
Treasure instead the moments we’ve spent together,
And the fact that we’ve known each other

If tomorrow i should die
know that i’ve loved you all this while
you’ve added meaning into my life
without you i would never have survived

though now i’m no longer here
the space in your heart, never let it be bare
for someone out there…is deprived of love…
share with him, the joy and friendship that i’ve come to love.

if tomorrow i should die…
and if it ever were to be caused by i..
tell my parents to forgive me…
for not being a filial son….for causing them grieve

and yet in death, let it be
it’s beyond control , you and me…
in life, live it to the fullest,
that there’d be no regrets……..in our eternal rest

An angel cried tonight,
Innocent tears streamed down her porcelain cheeks,
Little tiny droplets…
Like fine mist…

She cries becuase of sadness in her heart..
Of pain and disappointment..
She cries because i made her cry..

It wasn’t always like this…
There was a time when the Angel smiled…
A radiant brilliant smile..
A smile as warm as the sunshine…

But today, the smile was gone…
in its place, were tears instead..
where once it was radiant…
it became gloomy..

I’m truly sorry…
i really am…
for causing u such pain…
such sorrow…

it hurts me so….
to see the Angel cry…
innocent tears…
that water the earth…

I made an angel cry tonight…

the Angel here…refer to the people that we care about in our everyday
life…. be it our family, our friends, our siblings or acquaintances.
More often than not, we find that we are courteous to others but rude
to our own family members….it is often that case that we hurt that
people that we care about the most. So next time, please think of the
Angel crying, and try not to inflict pain on those you care about.

A restless wanderer
He travels…
Aimlessly, without direction…

Engulfed in his thoughts
of nothingness, of emptiness
Faces passes by, but he doesn’t see them
Everything blurred, nothing existent

He feels he is in transient,
between this world and the next
emotionless, featureless
without comprehension

Somewhere elsewhere
a gentle sobbing
she cries herself to sleep again..
her pillow wet with tears

She wonders why
such injustice and confusion
the pain that she endures
the endless tribulation

As he roams the streets
his senses are nulled
he has no vision, no direction
no purpose, no satisfaction

And yet he is suddenly enraptured
by a magnificient sight
skyscrapers against the night sky
shining in the twilight

Gentle wawves lashes the coast
A salty sea breeze materialises
Gently blowing, gently lulling
a stark contrast to the cityscape ,its surrounding

He hears his name being called
a gentle whiper, beckoning him
coaxing, cajolling, persuading him
like the cyrens of legends of yore

from the water he came
and to the water he returns
slowly, he takes the plunge
he feels warmth as the water engulfs him, swallowing him…

Finally, without worries
Finally, without fear
His heart now calm
His soul at ease…

ever since young, i’ve had an affinity to water….i don’t know why…i
just like being around water…maybe it was due to the fact that i
lived near the sea….i still remember the many hours spent at my
grandfather’s swimming pool when i was much younger, of the time spent
at the naval base’s swimming pool as well…..

Kelvin is a celtic name..which means man from the water, or man who
lives by the river. From the water he came, to the water he will
return….

There was once a little boy..
He lived in a lonely house..
In a little lonely Corner…
On a lonely road…

this little boy..
seldom ventured out of his lonely house..
instead often hiding in the lonely corner..
on his little lonely bed..

but one day…
the little boy decided..
to walk down the lonely road..
through the streets and to a park..

there in the little park..
he saw other children playing around..
laughing gleefully as they ran around..
on the see saw, swing and merry go round…

from outside the fence, the little boy stood
staring into the playground…
seeing boys and girls playing daintilly…
oh how he longed to be a part of them…

and yet when he entered the playground..
no one came to play with him…
he sat one the see saw…alone..
he sat on the swing…alone…

day by day the boy walked to the park
day by day no one played with him
day by day he sat alone…
and he felt even lonelier than before…

he felt like a total stranger…
looking from the outside watching in..
he felt he didn’t belong…
that he wasn’t like or could fit in…

and yet one day, something different happened..
a girl by happenstance, saw the boy alone
she saw his sad face and took pity on him….
and that day…the boy found that he wasn’t alone anymore…

the girl taught him how to play…
on the swing, the slide and the merry go round..
on the see saw she sat with him…
and the boy finally learnt how to smile…

though they spoke different languages initially..
and couldn’t understand each other at the beginning..
day by day their friendship grew….
camarederie and laughter were the order of the day…

but then…something horrible happened…
something that was beyond comprehension…
and suddenly…the girl was no longer there….

and the boy was alone……again….

I am the boy who caused you so much pain 21 years ago
I am the boy who always envied his bro because of his toys
I am the boy who hid in the large monsoon drain cutting his nails while he was waiting for the bus..becuase he was ashamed
I am the boy who played doctors and patients with the girl next door
I am the boy who always became the patient
I am the boy who took the same girl out for a bicycle ride and ended up crashing
I am the boy who scarred half his face becuase of that crash
I am the boy who lost your valuable toy cars..and am still sorry for it

I am the boy who sent you marching down to the headmaster’s office while he was only seven
I am the boy who stood by the door silently while you were whipped by the headmaster
I am the boy who bore stripes on his legs on an almost daily basis
I am the boy who never learnt and thus got more stripes…both of us did
I am the boy who got chased out of the house
I am the boy who felt homesick he called home everyday
I am the boy who soothed you while you sleep..continuously patting you on the back
I am the boy who wasn’t head prefect becuase i couldn’t say the doa (i could)
I am the boy who saved your life..and almost drowned in the process
I am the boy who planned for a party…and was sad because only half turned up
I am the boy who scored a goal.

I am the boy who cried while we fought…not because of pain..but becuase of emotional pain
I am the boy who teared when he watched cartoons
I am the boy who joined band because his mother challenged him to and the dm looked real cool
I am the boy who wanted to be DM
I am the boy who became DM, and conductor, and tbone section leader, and…
I am the boy who made you cry while interviewing you
I am the boy who called you up the next day…to make sure you were okay
I am the boy who fell off the stage…and broke a tooth
I am the boy who got his nose whacked by the mace..and now have a crooked nose
I am the boy who got injured by the mace…many many times…including a dislocated thumb
I am the boy..who called the mace my gf…and had to share her with two others
I am the boy who scolded all of you though i never meant to
I am the boy who had such great pals and members…that we made it to the top
I am the boy who upon clearing his debts…spent 5000 the next day
I am the boy who was to shy to sing in public
I am the boy who shivered everytime he stood in front of the public and debated
I am the boy who can never play sports
I am the boy who had a mask on all the time

I am the guy they called a robot..emotionless
I am the guy who still enjoys the simple things in life….a beautiful sunset, the smell of fresh rain, a simple meal with family and friends
I am the guy who had many secrets….and will still have many secrets
I am the guy who fell for you
I am the guy who let you down
I am the guy who started the concert
I am the guy who still drops by school once in a while
I am the guy whose heart bleeds for the band in its current state
I am the guy who has many friends but doesn’t realise it

but ultimately
i am the guy who is your friend and
i am the guy who wil be there…when you need help…or when you feel lonely…or when you need someone to lean on….i am your friend..that means you, you and you..

whenever i put this poems up…i sound really desperate…hehe
another one…when i was 16 ithink
well either this or sadistic stories :p

Oh girl,

Who are you?
Where have you been?
Why are you here?
How did you know?

What have you done?

Oh girl,

Who are you?

That you suddenly came into my life,

Destroying balance and logic,

Upsetting the complex thoughts of my mind,

Causing me to fell weightless . . .

Weightless… like the birds flying in the sky,

Feeling freedom… the freedom to appreciate
this new sensation… called Love.

Oh girl,

Where have you been?

All my life, when times were right,

When things were in place,

And you came and upset the balance of time,

Making me go haywire without reason,

But yet, you were there in times of turmoil,

Standing firm and strong in the face of
adversity,

Standing … for the sake of Love.

Oh girl,

When is the time?

The time of perfect symmetry,

The evolution of hope,

The time when we can get together,

To uphold each other

But the time has past,

In which you cradled me in your arms

Giving me security…and showering me with Love

Oh girl,

Why are you here?
That your presence itself causes insanity,

Making me mad and delirious,

Breaking the essence of my life,

Causing confusion to my senses,

But without you I cannot survive,

For you are the very meaning of life to me,

Bringing peace to my madness…because of your
Love.

Oh girl,

How did u know?

That you were needed,

That you were wanted,

But yet you did not come,

Causing me to pine for a love not found,

But when you were there,

It was as if it just rained in the desert,

With the rain comes the sprouting of life, and
the hope of Love.

Oh girl,

What have you done?

That once we have built the walls,

You tore it down again,

You caused me grief unspeakable,

But yet, I will live my life,

Built on memories of joy, of times we had
together,

And rekindling the flame, cradling it in my
arms,

Saving it from the foolishness…of something
called LOVE.

another poem i wrote….a foolish young soul of 16 i was then….and it seems i’m still a foolish soul at 21 now….enjoy

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me,

There’s a truth in your eyes saying you’ll never leave me,

A touch of your hands says you’ll catch me whenever I fall…

-When you say nothing at all, Ronan Keating-

How I wish this was true,

Just a smile…it’s all I long from you

The more I listen….

The more I wait…

Just for that look.,

Those touch…

Oh how I wish.

Everyday you walk by,

It’s like I’m not even there…

Am I not alive?

Am I not living?

Then…

Why do you treat me like I never existed?

Like I’m a gift you never wanted

When will I get to sing this song?

Just to sing it without any doubt

That the song will come straight from the heart

With no falseness…

With no fakeness…

Just to sing this song…

To know that you’ll never leave me

To know that you need me too…

That you’re there…to catch me…

But mostly…that you’re there….

Tell me….  tell me why?

Why do you do such a thing?

I’ve placed all my hopes, my ambitions

And with one move you brought it down…

I’ve sacrificed…

Everything for you

Everything you’ve wanted….

It’s your joy that I seek

The smile…it just makes me meek

Just for you to be happy

To acknowledge my presence…

But you didn’t even realise did you?
That I was there all along…

Still… why am I waiting?

Why am I foolish enough to wait for you?
Knowing that you’d never love me…

But what can I do?

I’m trapped in this endless circle…

It’s not infatuation,

It’s not even childish play

But it’s love…and so…

I’ll wait…I’ll wait till that day arrives

That day…

When I can sing this song with no regrets.

The journey was the name of Eusoff Hall’s float for this year. It basically speaks of a person and the periods in his life……from the moment of birth, to when he grows, and in the midst of all he faces trials and tribulations, obstacles in his path . He has to conquer these as he travels on his journey. In the end, he reigns victorious and is a man of his own destiny. He sets aside all his setbacks and look forward to all that life has in store for him.

In a way, i feel that the past 3 months have also been quite a journey for me. From the moment we started Rag 2005 on 22nd May 2005, it was a period of growth, a time of learning, of gaining wisdom and knowledge. We started by learning how to use the tools and devising the mechanism, figuring out how the joints work. Even then, challenges began to appear when the mechanism malfunctioned or simply didn’t work. Frustrations abounded as we tried to solve all the problems and finally we availed over them.

Throughout the second half of rag, i feel like a pandora’s box was opened within me. If you’re not familiar with the story of pandora, a greek legend, it goes that pandora was supposed to safekeep a box where all the evil in the world was kept and she wasn’t supposed to open it. But due to her curiosity, she opened the box, and everytthing escape before she closed it….except for one thing…Hope.

In a way i feel like a pandora’s box has been opened within me. Never have i felt emotions so tangible and strong that they affected my very day to day actions and mind you these were negative emotions. I felt anger, frustration, disappointment, loneliness….even jealousy, very strong and tangible jealousy. I din’t really feel as if i belonged. Many times i questioned myself on why i was in rag…whether it was worth the effort and the time. I must say that i have to thank all the other raggers for the hard work that they put in, if i had not seen them work so hard i would have just dropped everything and forget about it.

The past month of rag was really quite a bad period for me emotionally…..physically the long hours was draining , there were times where i did a full 24 hours…but it wasn’t as draining as the mental fatigue that i was experiencing, but like in the story of Pandora, hope remained. There was hope and the motivation to exceed, to excel and to retain our throne. And even then, hope appeared occasionally just went i felt the lowest, and it boosted my energy to continue on.

Finally, the day of reckoning came. We were still behind the dateline and as we rushed to catch up with it, we poured our hearts and soul into completing the final lap of our race. Tired as we were, we persevered….

Needless to say, we were on an emotional high that day when we completed our performance. Everything moved to perfection and every cue was on time. We were totally overjoyed when the results announced that we won the least cost float . But as soon as that happend a heavy gray cloud grew over us, enveloping us in despair as we lost shield after shield. The coveted best design that we so wanted was not within grasp, neither was the best float shield. At this point, i felt really disappointed and even so as i knew what these awards meant to us. As  i consoled a senior, i myself couldn’t take it and started cryin…never before have i cried in public…but i’m not ashamed to say that that day i cried…i cried for the pain i felt within me….but more for the pain i felt within others….and yet again, when we least expected it, Hope appeared…….when thte final announcement was made, we were crowned overall champions of rag and flag once again defending our coveted throne. We truly felt like champions that day…..the Eusoff Rally and the Hall anthem was simply rousing….many sang off key cause they were choking off tears…u could just see the tears streaming down the cheeks of every single eusoffian there male or female.

In the end, we were victorious.

Like our golden man, we conquered all adversity to take on the world….and claim our victorious future. That is our journey.

and i’m still waiting for my hope to reappear….one day..some day…

that’s y ppl…never ever lose hope…and never ever give up.

*Dedicated to Eusoff Rag 05 - The Journey*
please watch this space for pictures of the event.